Interview with Clive Anderson

C: well ***, you’ve been with us for a year or two now, won the Perrier award and had a smash hit TV series alongside a cult radio programme. Is there any left that you would like to do?

D: Yes Clive. Die.

C: Die? What, like, tomorrow?

D: Why wait? I’m dissapointed every morning.

C: To still be there you mean?

D: Yes, I mean the Buddhists have it that sleeping is practice for dying, but sadly none of us seem to take to it very naturally, in fact it takes the average person years and years to master it. I feel I’m getting close, but every day I’m proved wrong.

C: Doesn’t living have anything to offer you?

D: No. It’s all taxes and Newsnight, I’ve had enough. I want out. I saw a flower once in a park. It was the best thing ever and now that’s it, I’ve done it all. I’d like to die because I think it would give me some dignity. You know what Clive, let’s go for the big time. I’d like to die on this show, for the souls of all humankind, just like that other guy.

C: Jesus?

D: There’s no need to be rude, but I’d like you to help me Clive.

C: Oh god, I’m not sure we have the proper equipment apart from anything else.

D: You know they say paper cuts are the worst. I reckon there’s twenty minutes of the show left, you could have a go. It’ll be good for your career. It’s unforgettable TV – you’ll be immortal. And so will I… I mean I know you have a trade to fall back on Clive, but this could be your big break. Come on Clive, come at me!

C: I’m not sure what to do.

D: Come on, you won’t even have to pay me! Fight a comedian! It’s after the watershed. Maybe you could drown me in that glass of water.

C: No. I can’t do it.

D: Ok then. I’m writing a book you know.

C: Oh good. What’s it called?

D: The day Clive Anderson refused to kill me live on TV. I’m still in the research stages at the moment.

C: How’s it going?

D: Rather well I think.