What's the matter sweetie? Don't want to go to work? I know, it sucks doesn't it?
Even if it's just a few hours?
Yes, I hear you - tired of serving sausage rolls to idiots, I know. It must be hard.
And they never have the money ready - yes, you told me. Don't look at me like that, I'm just trying to help.
Here's what you do. First one that comes to the counter you ask them all nice what they want. You know which ones to do it to, you can spot a sausage roll eater - you told me. Get one of them, and ask them nicely. When they say 'a sausage roll' get a sos roll and plonk it on the counter like it's a dead rat. Don't hold back. When they look up at you, let them see the hatred in your eyes and whisper ' eighty pence'. They will hesitate, or ask you to repeat yourself. This is the moment, sweetheart. to let it all out. Scream at them - 'EIGHTY PENCE YOU GORMLESS MOTHERFUCKER - THAT'S ALL IT COSTS TO EAT YOURSELF INTO THE GRAVE' then hit them in the face with it, right across their fat red chops and ask them if they feel like crying yet. Ask them if they want it in a bag, then accuse them of touching you inappropriately.
Stop.
Then start again - 'eighty pence, eighty pence! come you melon-headed, ball-eyed freak, eighty pence, it's what they cost, it's not quite a pound! Can you deal with numbers less than one?' Numbers eh? Remember them from that day you spent in school?' Then take them by surprise, smear the sausage in their face, whip a bag over their heads and smash them face first into the counter! While they are dazed take something heavy and hit them repeatedly, over and over again, until the hatred becomes your friend. Smash them into the ground like the bore-faced mud-filled bags of death they are. Keep going, leap the counter and beat them down into the ground like a fat piggy peg. When they are down to their shoulders you can dance around them in a circle - 'eighty pence, eighty pence woop woop'. For the climax of the piece take a run at them and kick their sausage-roll-eating head clean off their body out onto the street where it gets squashed by a bus and shove a fresh new sausage roll down their neckhole. Then out into the street, take off your baker's hat and scrape up the fleshy mess that used to be their brains and scoop into the hat. Calmer now, you can take it to the kitchen at the back, grind it down, put it in pastry and bake it. Just in time for the next customer - 'A sausage roll please', 'Certainly', you beam. 'That'll be eighty pence please.'
Friday, 23 May 2008
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Put downs
Do you know who you remind me of?
Fucking no-one!
(when someone is being selfish + the less appropriate the better)
Are you like this in bed?
(to a charity caller)
'Well, I suppose charity begins at home.'
'Oh good'
'Well you'd better get going then'
Fucking no-one!
(when someone is being selfish + the less appropriate the better)
Are you like this in bed?
(to a charity caller)
'Well, I suppose charity begins at home.'
'Oh good'
'Well you'd better get going then'
Monday, 9 April 2007
If life was like the movies
How are you doing then?
OK
Been up to much?
Not much. Well, last week I had a pivotal personal crisis to address.
Did you?
Eventually, yes.
OK
Been up to much?
Not much. Well, last week I had a pivotal personal crisis to address.
Did you?
Eventually, yes.
Monday, 26 March 2007
Raven Tag
Here are the rules for the game of Raven Tag.
================================
1. You must be a raven, with a raven friend.
2. You must stand exactly 6 meters apart
3. If you raven friend approaches you, you must move away.
4. If your raven friend gets within 4 meters of you they win outright. This is called a Rimple, and will earn you three Kaws.
5. If you are moving away but your raven friend remains in the zone between 4 and 6 meters from you for more than 7 seconds then you must also concede the encounter. This is known as Fringe Matting. A successful Fringe Matt manoeuvre will receive two Kaws.
6. Escaping from a Fringe Matting move by virtue of speed and outdistancing your raven friend is known as Binging and will earn you two Kaws.
7. Fringe Matting is more dangerous then it first seems for at any time you may launch a counter attack on your raven friend, formally referred to as the Upwalk Sally.
8. To signal an Upwalk Sally you must turn to face you raven friend who is pursuing you and utter a cry. At this point the tables are turned and you raven friend has but seven seconds to retire to a safe 6 meter distance from you or to issue a Downwalk Sally. Should your friend not retreat in time, you will prevail, but earning a lowly single Kaw. Likewise a retreating bird has only a single Kaw to chase.
9. In the event of a Downwalk Sally the retreating bird, your raven friend, will issue a call and immediately you must both jump into the air, wings flapping and whoever leaps the highest takes the day. A single Kaw is the prize.
10. Statues. If you remain motionless for 20 seconds you win the game by Statues. The Statue is a very subtle move as it can be initiated towards your raven friend without them at first realising. The only options available to your raven friend if you have served Statues on him is to directly attack your central 4m zone (the Jumpsicle), or to linger threateningly in the outer 4m to 6m zone (the Prodding) hoping that time is on their side, often causing an opponent to panic and move when remaining stationary would have seen them lifting the laurel. This tactic is referred to as the Gaulish Hop.
Statues is the reason for the periodic shuffling motions characteristic of an averagely experienced player, who seeks to make constant incursions into his raven friend's territory in order to prevent the onset of Statues. However, seeing two ravens motionless can mean you are witnessing the silent clash of two masters, each seeking to outwit the other.
ORIGINS AND COMMENTARY
=======================
Raven Tag's ultimate origins are lost in the mists of time where echoes of folklore can be heard but not understood. It's entanglement with our own culture is a deep-rooted one. References to the game can be found in otherwise hard to interpret lyrics from the folk music of rural England such as the line, "When he went from the prodding to the jumpsicle" in "The Tale of the Miller's Wife", attributed to the Victorian, Arthur Hunt, but known to have been arranged by him from timelessly old songs of the Worcester area public houses.
Mentions occur in Literature, Shakespeare himself gives an account of a childhood game of Blacke Bird involving the young Henry V.
Showreman's "Invetory Falconis"of 1159 lists "2 Ravins for the entertainment of Byrd Hopping" as belonging to King Henry II.
To delve back into the oral and written tradition is to receive only oblique messages from the past. A single line in a medieval parish registers a judgement admonishing a man for "counting crows on a sabbath" - perhaps a reference to gambling on the outcome of a game during that holy day? Hogarth's diary refers one spring morning to the sight of "jumping, standing crows" in Regent's Park. Further evidence can be found in the detail of carvings and daubs in ancient caves. Some believe that the raven was credited with the power of prophesy, and soothsayers would watch their play and counter-play for portents.
Despite it's interactions with human culture, the true play and best conduct of the game can be found where it always was, in the hedgerows, fields and parks of our native land. Questions remain unanswered - Why do they play, and what is at stake? Is it a spiritual, material or intellectual prize which is struggled over? Mayhap, we shall never know, but raven friends will never grow old.
================================
1. You must be a raven, with a raven friend.
2. You must stand exactly 6 meters apart
3. If you raven friend approaches you, you must move away.
4. If your raven friend gets within 4 meters of you they win outright. This is called a Rimple, and will earn you three Kaws.
5. If you are moving away but your raven friend remains in the zone between 4 and 6 meters from you for more than 7 seconds then you must also concede the encounter. This is known as Fringe Matting. A successful Fringe Matt manoeuvre will receive two Kaws.
6. Escaping from a Fringe Matting move by virtue of speed and outdistancing your raven friend is known as Binging and will earn you two Kaws.
7. Fringe Matting is more dangerous then it first seems for at any time you may launch a counter attack on your raven friend, formally referred to as the Upwalk Sally.
8. To signal an Upwalk Sally you must turn to face you raven friend who is pursuing you and utter a cry. At this point the tables are turned and you raven friend has but seven seconds to retire to a safe 6 meter distance from you or to issue a Downwalk Sally. Should your friend not retreat in time, you will prevail, but earning a lowly single Kaw. Likewise a retreating bird has only a single Kaw to chase.
9. In the event of a Downwalk Sally the retreating bird, your raven friend, will issue a call and immediately you must both jump into the air, wings flapping and whoever leaps the highest takes the day. A single Kaw is the prize.
10. Statues. If you remain motionless for 20 seconds you win the game by Statues. The Statue is a very subtle move as it can be initiated towards your raven friend without them at first realising. The only options available to your raven friend if you have served Statues on him is to directly attack your central 4m zone (the Jumpsicle), or to linger threateningly in the outer 4m to 6m zone (the Prodding) hoping that time is on their side, often causing an opponent to panic and move when remaining stationary would have seen them lifting the laurel. This tactic is referred to as the Gaulish Hop.
Statues is the reason for the periodic shuffling motions characteristic of an averagely experienced player, who seeks to make constant incursions into his raven friend's territory in order to prevent the onset of Statues. However, seeing two ravens motionless can mean you are witnessing the silent clash of two masters, each seeking to outwit the other.
ORIGINS AND COMMENTARY
=======================
Raven Tag's ultimate origins are lost in the mists of time where echoes of folklore can be heard but not understood. It's entanglement with our own culture is a deep-rooted one. References to the game can be found in otherwise hard to interpret lyrics from the folk music of rural England such as the line, "When he went from the prodding to the jumpsicle" in "The Tale of the Miller's Wife", attributed to the Victorian, Arthur Hunt, but known to have been arranged by him from timelessly old songs of the Worcester area public houses.
Mentions occur in Literature, Shakespeare himself gives an account of a childhood game of Blacke Bird involving the young Henry V.
Showreman's "Invetory Falconis"of 1159 lists "2 Ravins for the entertainment of Byrd Hopping" as belonging to King Henry II.
To delve back into the oral and written tradition is to receive only oblique messages from the past. A single line in a medieval parish registers a judgement admonishing a man for "counting crows on a sabbath" - perhaps a reference to gambling on the outcome of a game during that holy day? Hogarth's diary refers one spring morning to the sight of "jumping, standing crows" in Regent's Park. Further evidence can be found in the detail of carvings and daubs in ancient caves. Some believe that the raven was credited with the power of prophesy, and soothsayers would watch their play and counter-play for portents.
Despite it's interactions with human culture, the true play and best conduct of the game can be found where it always was, in the hedgerows, fields and parks of our native land. Questions remain unanswered - Why do they play, and what is at stake? Is it a spiritual, material or intellectual prize which is struggled over? Mayhap, we shall never know, but raven friends will never grow old.
Priest rules
If you are a woman who then has a sex change operation, do you become eligible for the priesthood? (no)
What is the church's stance on hermaphrodites?
What is the church's stance on hermaphrodites?
Friday, 23 March 2007
99 Bonk
What goes 99 bonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What goes '99 bonk?
Ice Cream theft
What goes 47 bonk?
A man nearly halfway through hammering in 100 fenceposts.
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What goes '99 bonk?
Ice Cream theft
What goes 47 bonk?
A man nearly halfway through hammering in 100 fenceposts.
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
The KKK
Kevin Kissed Keith
Keith Kissed Karol
Keith Kissed Kirsty
Kirsty Kissed Kevin
Kevin Kissed Karol
Keith Kissed Karol
Keith Kissed Kirsty
Kirsty Kissed Kevin
Kevin Kissed Karol
An address from the Elder Red Blood Moon – 2087
Thank you ladies and gentlemen,
One of the things I still find difficult to adjust to is the lack of fresh milk in one’s tea. But the problems there are really somewhat self-evident.
I have been asked to appear before you today to give an account, for the sake of posterity, of my life and the events with which I have been involved.
The early part of my life is of no exceptional interest – my education took place in a lesser public school, my further education in a minor college of Cambridge, a university town in the south of what was then the United Kingdom.
It was there I met a girl, a wonderful creature, a truly beautiful member of the human race. I remember one day, one sunny afternoon, a group of us had donned a layer of sunscreen and taken the risk of a walk down by the Cam, a local river. The sun was so bright, it put me in mind of my childhood when such days were welcome and so we walked together. Her hair was so fine and her smile so clear, so clean, it made me feel like a new person whenever it lit upon me. On that day I remember, I remember very clearly, how a blossom from one the nearby trees floated down quite naturally and settled in her hair just above her ear. It seemed the world itself was in love with her and I told her that day just how I felt about her. *sigh* I remember her laughter, I remember even that with some fondness, and how she told me I was being foolish, and laughed again – she told me I was a sweet man, but I lacked the ambition to amount anything important, which was what she wanted. I view that now with of course with some irony.
Over time from that day we remained friendly of course, and I watched her slowly drift away into the arms of others and finally one other who kept her forever. And I, I joined the civil service and began a slow but steady rise through the ranks.
Of course in those times there was a great deal to occupy a person involved in the politics of the day, a great many changes to keep up with, but they are documented in great detail elsewhere. As a member of the civil service I myself never took a view, as was my duty, even when we lost the royal family.
I always felt there would be another who would fill my life with the same kind of colour as that girl from Cambridge but as time progressed and I began to age it seemed less and less likely.
Due to the high turnover of civil staff during certain periods my progression through the ranks of the whitehall stucture was somewhat accelerated, but little commented on. I due time I reached a very senior level although my transition into a position of actual power was somewhat sudden.
In the period of unrest following the re-secularsation of the country there were several co-ordinated attacks on government staff, intented to pave the way for a coup. The emergency protectorate services suppressed the actual siezure of power and my own recollection of the day was from traveling in convoy of government cars to the the entire world seeming to white out, and a noise so loud that one felt it rather than heard it. Some time later I was resucitated and was informed that due to the removal of the entire top level of government, including the Prime Minister, I was to take her place and to lead the interim adminsitration.
Our nuclear strike capability was at that time somewhat reduced as a result of the sezcession of Scotland, Northern Ireland and indeed Wales, in particular Scotland - and their unification with Ireland into the Celtic alliance naturally meant that some of our remaining missles were re-targeted as a matter of civil defense.
Climate change and the resulting wars of resources and religion had left the international stage in very delicate state, and England under a very immenent threat of being overrun. A decision need to be taken. I was left to make that decision. I remember being bombarded with advice and at some stage all I could think of, aside from the starvation and the millions of people in transition and at war, was that girl, from Cambridge, and how the dreams of this world are hollow and so often hold out no real promise. I began to feel I could finally make some sort of a difference, wipe the slate clean as it were. And so I pressed the button. And the world is now, of course, a very different place. I thank you for your time.
One of the things I still find difficult to adjust to is the lack of fresh milk in one’s tea. But the problems there are really somewhat self-evident.
I have been asked to appear before you today to give an account, for the sake of posterity, of my life and the events with which I have been involved.
The early part of my life is of no exceptional interest – my education took place in a lesser public school, my further education in a minor college of Cambridge, a university town in the south of what was then the United Kingdom.
It was there I met a girl, a wonderful creature, a truly beautiful member of the human race. I remember one day, one sunny afternoon, a group of us had donned a layer of sunscreen and taken the risk of a walk down by the Cam, a local river. The sun was so bright, it put me in mind of my childhood when such days were welcome and so we walked together. Her hair was so fine and her smile so clear, so clean, it made me feel like a new person whenever it lit upon me. On that day I remember, I remember very clearly, how a blossom from one the nearby trees floated down quite naturally and settled in her hair just above her ear. It seemed the world itself was in love with her and I told her that day just how I felt about her. *sigh* I remember her laughter, I remember even that with some fondness, and how she told me I was being foolish, and laughed again – she told me I was a sweet man, but I lacked the ambition to amount anything important, which was what she wanted. I view that now with of course with some irony.
Over time from that day we remained friendly of course, and I watched her slowly drift away into the arms of others and finally one other who kept her forever. And I, I joined the civil service and began a slow but steady rise through the ranks.
Of course in those times there was a great deal to occupy a person involved in the politics of the day, a great many changes to keep up with, but they are documented in great detail elsewhere. As a member of the civil service I myself never took a view, as was my duty, even when we lost the royal family.
I always felt there would be another who would fill my life with the same kind of colour as that girl from Cambridge but as time progressed and I began to age it seemed less and less likely.
Due to the high turnover of civil staff during certain periods my progression through the ranks of the whitehall stucture was somewhat accelerated, but little commented on. I due time I reached a very senior level although my transition into a position of actual power was somewhat sudden.
In the period of unrest following the re-secularsation of the country there were several co-ordinated attacks on government staff, intented to pave the way for a coup. The emergency protectorate services suppressed the actual siezure of power and my own recollection of the day was from traveling in convoy of government cars to the the entire world seeming to white out, and a noise so loud that one felt it rather than heard it. Some time later I was resucitated and was informed that due to the removal of the entire top level of government, including the Prime Minister, I was to take her place and to lead the interim adminsitration.
Our nuclear strike capability was at that time somewhat reduced as a result of the sezcession of Scotland, Northern Ireland and indeed Wales, in particular Scotland - and their unification with Ireland into the Celtic alliance naturally meant that some of our remaining missles were re-targeted as a matter of civil defense.
Climate change and the resulting wars of resources and religion had left the international stage in very delicate state, and England under a very immenent threat of being overrun. A decision need to be taken. I was left to make that decision. I remember being bombarded with advice and at some stage all I could think of, aside from the starvation and the millions of people in transition and at war, was that girl, from Cambridge, and how the dreams of this world are hollow and so often hold out no real promise. I began to feel I could finally make some sort of a difference, wipe the slate clean as it were. And so I pressed the button. And the world is now, of course, a very different place. I thank you for your time.
Interview with Clive Anderson
C: well ***, you’ve been with us for a year or two now, won the Perrier award and had a smash hit TV series alongside a cult radio programme. Is there any left that you would like to do?
D: Yes Clive. Die.
C: Die? What, like, tomorrow?
D: Why wait? I’m dissapointed every morning.
C: To still be there you mean?
D: Yes, I mean the Buddhists have it that sleeping is practice for dying, but sadly none of us seem to take to it very naturally, in fact it takes the average person years and years to master it. I feel I’m getting close, but every day I’m proved wrong.
C: Doesn’t living have anything to offer you?
D: No. It’s all taxes and Newsnight, I’ve had enough. I want out. I saw a flower once in a park. It was the best thing ever and now that’s it, I’ve done it all. I’d like to die because I think it would give me some dignity. You know what Clive, let’s go for the big time. I’d like to die on this show, for the souls of all humankind, just like that other guy.
C: Jesus?
D: There’s no need to be rude, but I’d like you to help me Clive.
C: Oh god, I’m not sure we have the proper equipment apart from anything else.
D: You know they say paper cuts are the worst. I reckon there’s twenty minutes of the show left, you could have a go. It’ll be good for your career. It’s unforgettable TV – you’ll be immortal. And so will I… I mean I know you have a trade to fall back on Clive, but this could be your big break. Come on Clive, come at me!
C: I’m not sure what to do.
D: Come on, you won’t even have to pay me! Fight a comedian! It’s after the watershed. Maybe you could drown me in that glass of water.
C: No. I can’t do it.
D: Ok then. I’m writing a book you know.
C: Oh good. What’s it called?
D: The day Clive Anderson refused to kill me live on TV. I’m still in the research stages at the moment.
C: How’s it going?
D: Rather well I think.
Problem
I live in San Fernando, the porn capital of America, and I have a broken radiator.
I just want someone to call who will actually fix it.
So tired...
I just want someone to call who will actually fix it.
So tired...
EGG
I have an egg
(reveal the egg)
Look…
Oh egg - what is in my egg?
Mysterious egg – give me your secrets!
You are smooth, my eggy, smooth and pink like a pink woman. Sensual, curvacious, a smooth, thin, pink woman – egg, I think I love you.
(look at egg)Qiuet my love? Why so silent, so hard, so impenetrable. Are you my mother?No – maybe you are like a baby, little egg. Babies are good, when they are quiet. And you are so quiet, and good. You are good for daddy aren’t you, yes. You’re a good egg.(hold egg up)Or perhaps you are a bad egg! Bad egg! You shell has hell, but your white has it and you yolk, has, (wobble) ‘yo’. (aside) Did you see what I did there? Didn’t really hang together all the way through I realise but I think it did ok. Stay with me. (to self) They’re still with me, still with me.
Oh egg! Your shell is like a pocket cathederal! Your innards a mystery soup! And six of you for less than a pound! What is inside you? A little hen? Jesus? A big cock?Egg, magic fruit of a chicken’s arsehole, you flower of perfection. Everything nature knows is hidden in you and has gone to make you, her secret language speaks through you to me and I worship you, as, down the ages, so many have done before. But what now? How to consecrate my feelings? How to absorb your wisdom? (Nod sagely to self) With chips, my young friend - with brown sauce and chips.
I leave now! (Throw egg at the audience and run.)
Crap Quotation
People used to tell me comedy was a matter of confidence.
I laughed at them, which gave me a lot of faith in what they were saying.
I laughed at them, which gave me a lot of faith in what they were saying.
Floater
A man floats into a space station bar and is looking pretty unhappy.
The barman asks him 'Hey man, what's up?'
The man says, 'I just don't know any more'
The barman asks him 'Hey man, what's up?'
The man says, 'I just don't know any more'
Experiment
I decided to undertake an experiment. Consider this - there are two types of people in the world, inwards people and outwards people - extroverts and introverts, you know the score. I wanted to know wht would happen if two of these opposites collided, in mid air, at speed. So I found two people, one extrovert and one introvert and arranged to have them catapulted high in the air towards each other. and what happened? a marvellous, beatiful thing happened, they passed close by in mid trajectory, and became friends. yes they did. their complmentary personalities allowed them to instantly form a harmoniuos relationship that they treasured for the rest of their short lives. I went home satisfied.
Monday, 11 December 2006
advanced humanity
I have now done the washing up. I suppose if I'm going to tell you about the brandy I found in the kitchen I should also tell you about the weed I have been smoking for about the last four days. oops. It does lay the foundations of the ideal way to leave this house - by staying up through the night on a 'cocktail of drugs' stumbling about only to emerge somehow victorious in the morning. The thought of failure is impossible - nights last forever and on some level I feel I'd be failing myself if I didn't stay up all the way until tomorrow...
This night is an all nighter. Part moving house, part putting things in boxes, part viking funeral, part ordeal by fire, re-birth, part fighting demons, part one-man leaving party. Going out in a stumble of glory.
The reason this is fitting? Moving coincides with a lot of changes, some made and some not yet made but planned. Mainly the reason it is fitting is because of the sheer vast amount of weed smoked and sleep lost in the flat. This is not a boast, or an indication of constant partying, this is long-term, problematic reliance on smoking. It's time to stop, but not tonight, one more night of breaking the rules in a childish kind of way, then off. Weed has been a big part of my life, good or bad, but enough's enough. Of course opium for breakfast stays, you get that William Burroughs fizz that sets you up for the whole day.
This night is an all nighter. Part moving house, part putting things in boxes, part viking funeral, part ordeal by fire, re-birth, part fighting demons, part one-man leaving party. Going out in a stumble of glory.
The reason this is fitting? Moving coincides with a lot of changes, some made and some not yet made but planned. Mainly the reason it is fitting is because of the sheer vast amount of weed smoked and sleep lost in the flat. This is not a boast, or an indication of constant partying, this is long-term, problematic reliance on smoking. It's time to stop, but not tonight, one more night of breaking the rules in a childish kind of way, then off. Weed has been a big part of my life, good or bad, but enough's enough. Of course opium for breakfast stays, you get that William Burroughs fizz that sets you up for the whole day.
global warming
Global warming is a big pain isn't it? Icebergs in the park and all that. You know what the solution is? If we all just left our fridge doors open. That would fix it.
run to the hills
my phone has a torch in it (thanks Sony!) which is sometimes useful. I first used it trying to read a bus timetable in the alps. It was night-time so that was appropriate. I noticed it had several settings - On, On for a Minute and SOS. How useful, I thought, and gazed up at the looming mass of mountain silhouetted in the darkness. Imagining myself alone and freezing on the hillside, huddling up to myself for warmth and clutching my only hope for survival - my freezing fingers needing not the dexterity to tap out the message, nor my mind the clarity to remember it. Sony would keep me provided for on my lonely vigil up there on the mountainside until such time as I remembered I was holding a phone.
Thursday, 23 November 2006
ukulele ideas
anarchy in the uk/bohemian rhapsody (vegetable) medley
prince charming by adam and the ants - as a slob
stand and deliver - live record multi track vocals :)
creep
smells like teen spirit
prince charming by adam and the ants - as a slob
stand and deliver - live record multi track vocals :)
creep
smells like teen spirit
Wednesday, 15 November 2006
Interdisciplinary Political Meeting
Chair: Welcome everyone. I'd like to make a start on this, our first meeting of the Interdisciplinary Political group. There's a wide range of people here, so I think we should begin with some introductions. So, from my left, name and political affiliation please.
Klaus: Klaus Kingzeit, Constitutional Monarchist
Robert: Robert Leftfield, British Free Market Ecology Party
Finella: Finella Scales, Nanny State Victory Alliance
Peter: Peter Piper, Picked a Pickled Pepper Party
Susan: Susan Greenfield, Old Labour Party Party
Emanual :Emanual Goldberg, Nazi Party. Zieg-ies! (camp salute)
Chair: Nazi Party? That's a bit much isn't it?
(rumbles from the audience)
E: We're all friends now, right?
C: I'm not entirely sure, there are standards you know.
E: Well I like that. We're a lot more open these days you know, we are trying.
C: ...
E: For example, we have an outreach programme.
C: Outreach?
E: Yes, it's quite multicultural you know. These days we actually except ethnic Austrians.
Robert: Wasn't Hitler an Austrian?
E: Yes he was, that why we thought it would be a nice place to start. Up until now he was the only one you see. It must have been quite lonely for him. In fact it probably had something to do with why he had all those people killed.
R: The Jews?
E: No, the Austrians. You see he was the only one. Probably put a bit of a strain on him. What with the cultural isolation of being forced to live in Germany and all that.
R: He did kill a lot of Jewish people though, I'm not sure it would be enough just to blame it on him feeling isolated.
E: Oh I'm very sorry, I misunderstood you. Well let me say this, it was a world war - it was open to all. I mean let's be honest we killed a lot of people and I think it's a little unfair to focus on the Jews all the time. Besides, times change.
K: I'm Austrian.
E: Oh fantastic, you must let me give you a pamphlet. You're not Jewish are you?
K: As a matter of fact I am.
E: Oh that's even better - we have a version in yiddish that we've only recently had printed. Would you like one?
K: Thank you.
Susan: Excuse, but just how much of hate figure are you planning to become in this group?
E: Well, it's an unpleasant job, but someone has to do it. It's better than not getting involved and having nothing to do. I mean, 'Work Makes You Free' and all that... I think we all know the truth of that.
S: You disgust me.
Chair: Now hold on Susan, I suppose the reason we are here is to try and see if some kind of shared vision is possible between all schools of political thought, however we feel about them. In order for that to happen we must let each person state their views and challenge them with argument. That is the only way it is possible to reach a lasting consensus.
E: Is there no room for an overwhelming mechanised assault to sweep through this plenary session and crush all opposition before it?
C: Certainly not very much.
E: What about flowers? We did think about that. We've been trying to think a bit 'out of the box' recently. Would that work?
C: That is more approachable certainly, but have you thought about hay fever?
E: We're really trying to avoid biological weaponry at the moment.
C: Well I must say that's good to hear. I'm really not sure we could tolerate that kind of thing. I hope you understand.
E: Well, of course. I mean you're either with us or against us, right?
C: I suppose so.
E: Well I suppose that's all I have to say for now then. Thank you everyone.
C: Right. Well, thank you Emanuel. Now, perhaps we should continue with the introductions. I see Janet is waiting with the coffee cart even as we speak.
Klaus: Klaus Kingzeit, Constitutional Monarchist
Robert: Robert Leftfield, British Free Market Ecology Party
Finella: Finella Scales, Nanny State Victory Alliance
Peter: Peter Piper, Picked a Pickled Pepper Party
Susan: Susan Greenfield, Old Labour Party Party
Emanual :Emanual Goldberg, Nazi Party. Zieg-ies! (camp salute)
Chair: Nazi Party? That's a bit much isn't it?
(rumbles from the audience)
E: We're all friends now, right?
C: I'm not entirely sure, there are standards you know.
E: Well I like that. We're a lot more open these days you know, we are trying.
C: ...
E: For example, we have an outreach programme.
C: Outreach?
E: Yes, it's quite multicultural you know. These days we actually except ethnic Austrians.
Robert: Wasn't Hitler an Austrian?
E: Yes he was, that why we thought it would be a nice place to start. Up until now he was the only one you see. It must have been quite lonely for him. In fact it probably had something to do with why he had all those people killed.
R: The Jews?
E: No, the Austrians. You see he was the only one. Probably put a bit of a strain on him. What with the cultural isolation of being forced to live in Germany and all that.
R: He did kill a lot of Jewish people though, I'm not sure it would be enough just to blame it on him feeling isolated.
E: Oh I'm very sorry, I misunderstood you. Well let me say this, it was a world war - it was open to all. I mean let's be honest we killed a lot of people and I think it's a little unfair to focus on the Jews all the time. Besides, times change.
K: I'm Austrian.
E: Oh fantastic, you must let me give you a pamphlet. You're not Jewish are you?
K: As a matter of fact I am.
E: Oh that's even better - we have a version in yiddish that we've only recently had printed. Would you like one?
K: Thank you.
Susan: Excuse, but just how much of hate figure are you planning to become in this group?
E: Well, it's an unpleasant job, but someone has to do it. It's better than not getting involved and having nothing to do. I mean, 'Work Makes You Free' and all that... I think we all know the truth of that.
S: You disgust me.
Chair: Now hold on Susan, I suppose the reason we are here is to try and see if some kind of shared vision is possible between all schools of political thought, however we feel about them. In order for that to happen we must let each person state their views and challenge them with argument. That is the only way it is possible to reach a lasting consensus.
E: Is there no room for an overwhelming mechanised assault to sweep through this plenary session and crush all opposition before it?
C: Certainly not very much.
E: What about flowers? We did think about that. We've been trying to think a bit 'out of the box' recently. Would that work?
C: That is more approachable certainly, but have you thought about hay fever?
E: We're really trying to avoid biological weaponry at the moment.
C: Well I must say that's good to hear. I'm really not sure we could tolerate that kind of thing. I hope you understand.
E: Well, of course. I mean you're either with us or against us, right?
C: I suppose so.
E: Well I suppose that's all I have to say for now then. Thank you everyone.
C: Right. Well, thank you Emanuel. Now, perhaps we should continue with the introductions. I see Janet is waiting with the coffee cart even as we speak.
James Bond and the age of accessibility
The Man With The Orange Sticker
On Her Majesty's Secret Shoprider
Tomorrow Never Sleeps Properly
The Spy Who Dressed Me
No Finger
Licence To Park Closer To The Building
Never Say Spazzer Again
The Ground Floor Is Not Enough
For Your Eyes Only
Dr, No
Glasseye
Octopussy
On Her Majesty's Secret Shoprider
Tomorrow Never Sleeps Properly
The Spy Who Dressed Me
No Finger
Licence To Park Closer To The Building
Never Say Spazzer Again
The Ground Floor Is Not Enough
For Your Eyes Only
Dr, No
Glasseye
Octopussy
Tuesday, 14 November 2006
hello world
Eat my Chicken - it's chicken flavoured, and that's about as much as you can hope for at this stage.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)